They say “you learn who your true friends are when you’re in the hospital, in prison, or in the ground.” Considering I’m in the best physical shape of my life…and I’m definitely not dead yet…that quote only applies to one aspect of my life. Nonetheless, this experience thus far has opened my eyes to so much and has made me realize what’s truly important in my life–my family and of course, my friends. What I wouldn’t give to even be free for just one day…so I could spend some time with the ones I hold most dear to me. I’ve only gotten to interact with my fam and friends through glass for the past 14 months. It sucks…let me tell you. Can’t the kid get a hug? lol (FYI–the next stop on my journey will have contact visits…just another reason I am anxious to get transferred). Anyways, the reason for this is to express how I took so much of my life for granted, and now when I can’t even do something simple like having lunch with my Mom, Auntie and Grandpa on a Saturday, enjoy Sunday dinners, or take in a ball game with my boys…it really puts things in perspective. Life is fucking short, and at a moment’s notice, you can be taken away from anything and everything you know and love, thrown in an orange jumpsuit, and lose all the simple pleasures in life that you probably take for granted. It’s crazy to think about…but it can happen. On that note fellas, if you’re reading this, have one for me!
On another note, while I’m here, I’d like to sincerely apologize once again to my friends, and most importantly, my family…for ALL of my actions…not just the drug dealing over the years that led me to this foreign land of embarrassment and shame. I realize that my current situation has been nothing but a burden on all of your lives. A lot of you tried to warn me early on of this possible outcome to no avail, but I didn’t listen early enough. I’d say, “just a little more money and I’ll quit.” I said that one too many times. I was a know-it-all who knew nothing. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t regret getting into that business. I just want you all, especially my Mom, Mike, Auntie and Grandpa, to know how truly sorry I am. I’ve said it before…but for now…words are merely words. It’s my actions, after all of this is over, that will define the true remorse I feel for letting you all down.
I’ve already reached out to the others who deserved an apology from me. I don’t need to share that with the world…it’s something private that I’d like to keep between me and them…but they know who they are.
When I started selling drugs, all I could see was the fast abundance of money and the free highs I could put myself on. I never thought prison would be the end of that chapter…but alas…here I am. You know, I’ve been here roughly14 months now. If someone would have told me 15 months ago that I’d be spending the next 36 months in Federal Prison, I would have probably laughed in their face. Like I said before, I had already quit all of that nonsense. I thought I was untouchable. I was an asshole. I’m working on that…I promise. While I was speeding through life, I didn’t take the time to think about all the people I may have run over. Quite frankly, I don’t expect everyone to forgive my past mistakes…and I guess that’s my punishment…but I felt like it was time to grow up and start taking responsibility for my actions.
I’m actually very lucky compared to most inmates. Considering what an asshole I used to be, I still have a lot of great people in my life. I recently had a chance to sit down and read a copy of each and every character letter that friends and family had written on my behalf to the judge, asking him for leniency. I gotta admit, that on more than one occasion, I got pretty choked up by all of the kind words that people had to say about me. Words cannot express the gratitude and thanks that I feel inside. I am very blessed to have such a great core group of people in my corner. Whether it be your letters, pictures, phone calls (the cost is robbery…I might add), visits, or whatever you have done to reach out to me when I was at my absolute lowest, just know that I truly appreciate all of it. You’d never think something so small like a letter from a loved one or a friend could mean so much and really brighten my day, but it does. It’s probably nothing to all of you, but it means the absolute world to me. I get my mail delivered at 6PM daily here, along with my Boston Herald and the various magazines I subscribe to, and it’s probably my favorite time of day. Crazy…I know…but it’s true. I just want to say I appreciate everything people have done for me thus far.
It’s crazy how one second, you’re going through life, in one relationship and out of another, at one party and looking forward to the next, working every day, basically just living life…then it all comes to a complete halt. It really put things into perspective for me, so I had to let the ones that are riding this through with me know how blessed and appreciated I really feel. Appreciation…that’s a funny word. Before all of this, I didn’t appreciate shit. I didn’t grow up rich by any means, but I never wanted for anything. I was an only child…enough said. Even later in life, things always sorta came easy to me. I never had to really work for love. Friends, women, pretty much anything I set my sights on…all came easily. I guess it’s a gift and a curse at the same time. But…I just want you all to know how much I appreciate your love and friendship. I will NEVER forget any of this…and I hope to someday repay you all in some way…just not with money…cause I owe the Feds $50,000…lol.
People don’t change overnight…but they do grow over time. I can say that I am growing. Hey…it’s a start. I’ve done a lot of crazy shit in my day…but looking back…I was just a kid. Believe me, I know that’s no excuse. I now try and take others’ feelings into consideration before I act.
Sometimes when I write these blog entries, I feel a lot of pressure to make it better than my last. It’s like I have so much to say, but I don’t want to say it all in one day. Then I think, fuck it…I’m saying what’s on my mind at the given point when I write it. If it’s insightful or witty…then so be it…if it lacks something…whatever…there’s always the next blog. I have tons of stories to tell about my 14 months here…both good and bad. I also have a lot to share regarding how I ended up here…so please…stay tuned…this might take a while…
To all my true friends and my family…143!