Today is a very special day. Well…it is to me…for it is the one year anniversary of when I…along with the help of my editor and favorite Auntie Christine…started this blog. Wow…I must say that year went by in the blink of an eye. It has been quite a ride…both literally and figuratively…and I’m almost home. Well…not home-home as in Boston… but my soon to be new home…the sunny land of ….. =)
I have to admit when I first started this blog I was really fucking nervous. I’m talking waiting on an aids test–what’s the results–type of nervous. I mean it’s not every day that I wake up and decide to bear my soul–my inner most thoughts–to even my closest friends and family…and now here I was about to put my shit show of a life on blast for the general public to read…
Remember, this was the very first time since I had been arrested that I was going to publicly address all of the nonsense that had happened. The real story…not just some made up bullshit that the media got a hold of and ran with. It was pretty nerve-wracking for me. I didn’t really know how the public would react to what I had to say. Shit…I didn’t know if people would even take the time to read what I had to say for that matter.
The only thing that I did know for certain was that once I plead guilty and was sentenced to prison…all bets were off. I no longer had to bite my tongue regarding everything, as I had so patiently and unwillingly done at the request of my attorney. I had so many different thoughts and emotions bottled up inside at the time–for some 15 months–I just had to get them all out. I didn’t care who the fuck heard what I had to say…just as long as someone did. So I finally said fuck it…what have I got to lose? Here goes nothing.
Despite my fuck it attitude, it certainly wasn’t easy at first to put my life on blast by any means. Truth be told, I didn’t sleep one bit on the night of my first post. I remember laying there, on my pathetic excuse of a bed, imagining the absolute worst. I must have played through every negative outcome possible in my mind that night…it was awful. I even woke up my cellie in the middle of the night to ask him if he thought I made a mistake. I certainly had regrets…that’s for damn sure.
Imagine you have something you’ve been dying to get off your chest. So you decide to confide in a friend. Imagine putting yourself out there… I mean really out there–like butt-ass naked–to someone you know well and trust. You’re telling this person something about you that no one else knows. Your semi-embarrassed with a slight hint of shame–fearing the outcome. You have no idea how whatever it is you’re telling this person is being perceived…yet you continue to let it all hang out…then you suddenly realize that the very person who you just straight-up told your whole life to…now looks at you differently because of what you told him or her…judging your every word perhaps. How would that feel? Or even fucking worse….the person wasn’t even fucking listening to what you had to say at all….like you just poured your heart out to this person and they were preoccupied. Yeah…imagine that? Shit…that’s how I fucking felt that night. Except I didn’t bear my thoughts to just one mere person who I knew and trusted. I laid it out there for the world to read…think it over.
I will say as time passed, however, nothing was ever as bad as that first night. The more blog entries I wrote, I found that it became easier and easier to just let it all out…no longer fearing the consequences or the possible reactions of others. I just wrote what was on my mind–not giving a fuck. I found that as long as I kept what I had to say raw as hell…real…and most importantly honest…it was nothing to put my shit on blast. I guess I figured that if I just came clean with all of the nonsense that I had done over the years without implicating others (I’m no rat) then I’d truly be free. I’d have no more skeletons in my closet. I’d have nothing left to hide. So when I walk out of here…I’d be me…take it or leave it. I could carry my head held high, knowing I owned up to all my bullshit and I didn’t point the finger at anyone else. And maybe…just maybe…if I shared my story in a way that didn’t glamorize anything…it might prevent someone else from making the same poor choices that I had made along the way…and that would be the greatest reward of all.
So many people ask me how I’m able to put myself out there in the way that I do… BALLS!!! haha! … I tell em’ I have big fucking balls…that’s how! haha! … I kid, I kid…kind of. Truth be told, I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. If I had to guess I’d say (since I’m currently locked up) I find my freedom in writing. I’ve come to find out over the past year that writing has been very therapeutic for me. It’s given me an opportunity, not only to let out my skeletons, but to come to terms with how fucked up I was living when I was free.
They say that hindsight is always 20/20… I couldn’t agree more. It wasn’t until I started traveling down memory lane…writing these blogs and really soul searching…that I finally became honest with myself about everything. Not just with my addictions to drugs (both selling them and doing them), women and the fast life…but in the way I was living my life in general. The truth hurts…I’ll say that much. I was a real asshole…a selfish fucking asshole. They say that assholes finish first–pffffff! Whose first? I’m in fucking prison. Tell that one to Tucker Max. Sure I can say I was young and reckless, but it’s no excuse. I fucked up…plain and simple.
But all of that nonsense is in the past. Not to be forgotten of course…but to be used as a lesson learned….a major wake up call if you will. I’ve come a very long way from the person I once was…again both literally and figuratively. I can say that proudly…and it’s in part because of this blog…and the people who take the time out of their busy lives to read what’s on my mind. Without this blog and the people who read it, I may not have grown into the man that I’m fast becoming…and for that I’m grateful. Which is why I feel that this day is a special day to me….
With that being said…I want to take this opportunity to give thanks…to YOU…the reader…whomever you may be. THANK YOU!! Whether I know you personally or not…thank you…thank you all for taking the time out of your hectic lives to read my stories. To those out there who share, re-post, re-tweet, or re-anything having to do with what I write–THANKS! To those who comment on my thoughts, whether it’s positive or negative feedback…I thank you. Regardless of what you may think of me or how I’ve lived my life thus far, I owe you all a great deal of gratitude. Without all of you reading, posting, and/or commenting on what I have to say, this would be a blog with no audience… a tree falling in the woods with no one to hear it… so I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. As much as I’d love to sit here and thank everyone personally, I’d be here all day. I DO want to go home sometime soon LOL.
Also…the most important thanks of all…
I want to say thank you again to the person who makes this all possible for me. Without her time, effort and insight…this blog wouldn’t even exist…and I may not be the person I am today. I’ll keep this as brief as possible, for she has to edit for spelling and grammar errors and I certainly don’t want to add to her work load…lol.
I’ve grown a great deal over the course of this past year…moreso than in any one particular year of my life. I’ve had ups. I’ve had downs. I’ve learned so much about myself. You gave me the opportunity to help me to help myself grow as a person…if that makes any sense…lol. And…I know it wasn’t easy for you to overlook all my f-bombs (even though I know you deleted some…lol). I know that I’ve expressed my overwhelming gratitude and thanks to you for creating and running this blog on my behalf in my absence many times before, but I’ll say it again…and with pleasure I might add….THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I hope you realize just how much I truly appreciate everything that you’ve done for me…not just with this blog and over the course of this past year…but over the course of my life. You have helped and inspired me in a way that I could never repay…although someday I will surely try. Everyone tells me all the time how lucky I am and how my Auntie Christine is the best. I couldn’t agree more…you are the best and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Remember that….
Love ~ Matthew