Archive for the ‘Addiction’ Tag

HOW ADDICTION TOOK OVER MY LIFE (Part 2)

A normal person would have gotten help immediately, right then and there, or stopped cold turkey while it was still relatively early enough to safely do so.  I wasn’t normal.  I didn’t think I had a problem.  If anything, I just merely chaulked it up to another weekly expense, like buying groceries or getting a haircut.  I could afford it.  What’s a few pills a day compared to how many I was moving?  Plus, to be brutally honest, I didn’t want to stop.  I absolutely LOVED how I felt on those pills.  They made me feel like…well…fantastic.  One pill crushed up…that’s all it took…sniff…wow…they made me feel warm all over, energetic, ready to take on the world, they gave me an overall sense of well being, almost euphoric…I was literally on cloud nine…24 hours a day…it was love at first sniff.  When something makes me feel so fuckin’ good, why in the world would I ever want to quit?  Not with my personality…I was like…I want MORE!

I thought the berries enhanced everything that I did.  I never went anywhere and couldn’t do anything without them.  It was almost like a fucked up version of those credit card ads… “Blueberries….Matty never leaves home without them.”

Say I was going to take a trip to the mall or head downtown for some shopping, I’d sniff a few pills to get nice and right to shop.  Those pills really helped me spend…that’s for sure.  When it was time to hit the gym, I’d down a few pills.  I had this idiotic idea that pain pills could actually enhance my workouts.  I thought that I wouldn’t be able to feel the burn, so I’d be able to bang out more reps.  Mind you, at the time, I was also heavy on the steroids.  Nice mix.  Yes, I was a moron…I’m well aware.  If I had a hot date or was going out with some friends, I’d sniff a few pills beforehand, while I was getting ready.  Then I’d down a few more later on in the evening, with some cocktails of course.  Yup, I was going to be the life of that party, that’s for sure.  If my mother was having us all over her house for Sunday dinner, I’d take pills for that too…pills go great with Italian cooking…lol.  Whether it be to see the dentist, the doctor, my tattoo artist, a haircut appointment, well…you get the idea…I was “blueberried up” at all times…sadly.

I was convinced that I didn’t have a problem of any kind.  I was even more convinced that no one had a clue of what was going on.  I’d show up in another new vehicle, have on another new watch, I’d switch apartments, have new clothes, yet I was unemployed.  I was on drugs, thinking shit was sweet…I didn’t realize that addiction had truly taken over my life.  I got deeper and deeper in the drug trade.  I was addicted to both the pills and the money.  I took so many pills and thought nothing of it.  It all happened so fast.  It’s like one day I’m taking half of a blueberry with a few cocktails and I’m Mr.Social, Matty from BB9, absolutely loving my life, and the next I’m taking pills just to get out of bed, so I can function throughout the upcoming day…and I STILL wouldn’t quit.  Addiction is a motherfucker huh?

I thought I was making my great life even greater.  I didn’t think I was hurting anyone.  I especially wasn’t thinking about where all of those pills I was moving were going.  To be honest, that was the LAST thing on my mind.  I was more focused on me.  It’s not like anyone knew…right…except the few I dealt with.  I enjoyed those pills, I’ll admit it. I enjoyed every second of it.  My plan was to save up enough dough to move out west.  I kept setting the limit higher and higher every time I reached the goal.  I didn’t want to quit…I kept telling myself I’d quit when I was ready.  I was powerless to those lil’ guys…that’s for sure.  I guess I wasn’t ready until 17 months later…cause that’s when I finally quit the life.

I was still mixing the now more than occasional party drug or two with the pills when I went out.  Whether it be on vacation, a club, lounge, bar, home…any excuse to party.  Now add in a whole boat load of alcohol…then take into consideration I was always on anabolic steroids to stay in shape so it wouldn’t appear as if I were on drugs.  I had an image to uphold, remember?  I was mildly delusional…as you can see.  As I mentioned in the previous post…I only used to party on the weekends.  Well… not at that point in my life.  Everyday was Friday in my eyes.  I wasn’t working.  I was a reality TV star who just happened to be a drug trafficker.

I was in all out party mode for the better part of those 17 months.  I thought I was a rock star.  Shit…I think at the end I started to even look like one too…sadly.  I’d sleep all day long.  I’d hit the gym.  I’d shop.  I’d party at night.  I’d take trips bi-weekly to FL to re-up on pills.  Rinse, recycle, repeat.  I’d take vacations as if I deserved it.  I dated a few different women during this time period, but right now I don’t feel that my love life is really relevant to this…however I did mention that I had an addiction to toxic women, so I guess I gotta throw this in.  I used to confuse jealousy, madness, and craziness with passion and love…the more crazy a woman was over me the more I thought she loved me…it turned me on….I think I just truly thrived on the attention.  Don’t get me wrong…I was no angel either.  I can say that during this time, with all my drug use and all that was going on with my double life… I probably wasn’t exactly the best boyfriend in the world…sure I made many mistakes, and I was an asshole at times (emotionally NOT physically) but it wasn’t ALL bad…c’mon even my friends call me lover boy…lol.  Sure I have regrets, but who doesn’t…right?  Every woman I’ve ever loved, I really wish them nothing but the best…that’s truth…besides if they had to deal with my nonsense and way of living…they deserve to be happy.  Maybe I’ll go into details about my love life in another blog…or with my track record another several blogs… but for now back to the story…

All the partying, trips, drugs and whatnot may sound glamorous to some of you.  It wasn’t.  All the drugs, booze and steroids I put in my system really threw a dent in the plans.  I had many hospital visits during that time…even while on vacation.  To tell you the truth, it still boggles my mind to see how much the human body can really withstand.  I’m surprised I am not dead…

From the day that I realized that I needed the pills to function, things only got worse.  Maybe not financially, but definitely my physical and mental state for sure.  As time went on, my tolerance built up.  It no longer took me only a few pills to be on cloud nine, I had to take 5…then 10…then 15.  I was now taking 15 a day to feel normal…just to not feel sick. Those withdrawals are fuckin’ brutal…let me tell you.  Luckily, I usually always had them on hand, either around the house, or in my car, or wherever else I would stash them in case of emergency.  There were a few times when I had to hop on a plane to FL on a moment’s notice because I had run out and the withdrawals started.  I’d be on the plane…literally shaking cold then sweating…the person next to me would always look at me funny. Hey I felt like shit…I didn’t care… 3 hours from Boston and I’d feel like a champ again.  Shit, I would have flown to friggin’ China to not feel sick…that’s the truth!

Now one would think that when I needed THAT many pills in order to function, and even more to feel the way I loved feeling, that I would quit, or at least get some professional help.  Well, that wasn’t happening any time soon.  I still enjoyed the pills…I just happened to need a lot per day.  I loved that life.  I loved the rush of the hustle, the rush of getting on a plane going to make money, the rush I felt as soon as I sniffed one. I knew I’d have to quit hustling if I truly wanted to quit.  There would be none of that.  I got used to living a certain way, I wasn’t going back to a regular life with a regular honest job.  Besides, I wasn’t a drug addict, remember?  Those pills were just a hobby of mine.  Addicts are on corners asking for nickel rocks.  Not me, I was living in a nice apartment, driving a new Lexus.  I had money.  I was no addict.  NA meetings?  I don’t need those…only crackheads need those…the shit I used to tell myself to rationalize my drug use…out of control…

Then things started to change.  See, when I started out, I had the world by the balls.  I thought I had it all…money, a little taste of fame, a great social life.  Life was but a beach chair.  But it wasn’t all fun and games.  All the different shit I was putting in my system, along with all this money I had, turned me into a completely different person. I went from an outgoing, likable, respectful human being to a complete dickhead.  Hey, I’ll admit it.  I thought I was above everything and everyone. You couldn’t tell me shit.  Everyone was on MY time…not the other way around.  The more and more pills I took, the more lies I told.  I’d be telling my poor mother, who just spent all day cooking dinner, that I was 5 minutes away…everyone would be waiting on me to eat.  I was already late.  She would go and make my plate for me…and all that…and in reality I was in FL boarding a plane…coming home from picking up pills.  Five minutes my ass.  I was a disgrace.  That happened on more than one occasion.  I was living such a double life.  I thought nothing of it.  It still sickens me now to think of how many times I chose drugs over friends and my family.  Now as I’m typing this (I have email…FINALLY), I’d give ANYTHING to really be five minutes away for dinner at my moms.

Drugs really distorted my values and my views of the world.  Before I was on these 30s,  I’ve always been gainfully employed.  I’ve always been pretty responsible in that department.  I’ve always been a hard worker, and I’m proud to be able to say that.  There’s NOTHING wrong with an honest day’s work.  I even briefly had a job right after BB9…selling cars.  I didn’t want to go back to construction after the show, so my boy Kevin hooked me up with a nice lil’ gig.  I was pretty good at it…so I’m told.  I was even better at first when I was on the blueberries.  I could sell fire in hell on those things.  Then as I started to really make money with them and really get addicted, I became really lax with work, which was so unlike me.  I stopped caring.  I was let go.  I used to think,  “who needs work when I can take a trip to FL and make a month’s salary in a few hours…”  My way of thinking was definitely warped…that’s for sure.

My personality continued to change dramatically.  I began to shut everyone out.  I barely saw my friends.  I always had some bogus excuse of why I wasn’t going out…some lie.  I hardly even saw my parents.  Any time I went over there, it was “hi…bye”…five minutes in and out.  I had places to go, people to see.  No time for anyone.  I became very moody. On more than one occasion, I would lash out on a friend or a family member, for no reason at all…which was very out of character for me.  The drugs were changing me…I just couldn’t see it.  I was in my own little world.  My emotions were up and down…like a rollercoaster.  When the littlest thing would go wrong, it felt like the end of the world.  I remember one night I misplaced my wallet.  I hadn’t even been out, so I knew it had to be somewhere.  I was on the phone with my aunt, literally crying over a lost wallet.  In between my tears, I was sniffing pills…like that’s gonna solve anything.  It was almost as if someone had died…it was crazy…all over a wallet…which I ended up finding the next morning…by the way.  Those pills really fuck with your emotions.  One minute I’d be so happy, ready to go out, up for anything, outgoing…then the next minute…boom! …I’d be utterly depressed, thinking life was over.  Life was no beach chair…it was all rain and clouds.  It was like that on a daily basis for me…up and down….STILL wouldn’t quit.

Regardless of how much money I had and how much I was making, my life was spiraling out of control.  Nothing made me happy anymore.  Some days, I had really wished that I was dead.  It would be easier than dealing with life.  I literally wanted to die…though I never tried anything crazy.  I was just strait up depressed.  I began to be reckless with my spending.  I was living ridiculous.  I spent foolishly.  I tried to literally buy my happiness…nothing worked.

There were a few times where I half-assed tried to reach out to a few people, saying I needed help.  One person had been through what I was going through, not too long before me.  The other had a friend who died from what I was taking.  But like I said, it was a half-ass attempt.  I was vague.  I didn’t want to admit I had a problem.  Matthew McDonald is no fucking drug addict.  I’m just depressed…that’s all.  I still wasn’t ready to quit.  I was in denial. I felt so alone.  No one had a clue what was going on (I shut everyone out…remember).  From the outside looking in, I had it made in the shade.  I wasn’t working, I was pretty well off, but if you were to scratch the surface, you would’ve seen that I was broken.  I was no longer myself.  I couldn’t quit though.  I couldn’t dare go through those withdrawals, and “hell no” to rehab…people would find out.  I kept on sniffing!

I figured I was depressed cause I wasn’t employed…like I had all this free time to do absolutely nothing.  So my cousin Jackie got me back in the union.  We were working on building the new Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston.  It DID feel great to be back to work…to have some purpose…but I was still really heavy on the pills.  I’d be doing pills in the porta-potty at work, before work, right when I got out of work…you get it.  I STILL busted my ass at work though, can’t take that away from me.  I realized I couldn’t continue on this trend forever…. time was running out… if I didn’t stop now, I’d either be doing 50 pills a day or I’d be dead… that’s when the ultimatum came…

(To be continued)…

Posted 08/10/2011 by Matty McDonald in Uncategorized

Tagged with ,

HOW ADDICTION TOOK OVER MY LIFE

It’s Sunday…yet again.  It was bright and sunny today.  To tell you the truth, it ain’t so emotional ’round here in Wyatt…lol.  It’s actually pretty chill here.  I guess everyone was right when they told me that the hardest part of my bid was over.  I’m talking about my time spent pretrial, being held without bond in county jail.  Granted, I’ve only been here for a few weeks.  I’m sure there are guys who’ve spent months…or even years here pretrial…who might have a different opinion on the matter.  But…this isn’t their blog…lol…it’s mine.  So, as far as I’m concerned, Wyatt is pretty decent (for a jail anyway).

I’m NOT recommending that anyone should commit a crime and join me for an extended stay.  I’m just saying that compared to my last accommodations, this place is like night and day.  Shit…I should probably put some disclaimer on this page…considering the traffic it’s been getting.  With my luck, some braniac will try to slap me with a lawsuit, blaming yours truly, saying that I said prison wasn’t too bad.  Remember, we live in the country that allowed someone to sue McDonald’s for the coffee being too hot…without a warning label.  We allowed them to sue and they won.  So on that note:  I am NOT prompting prison, crimes, doing or selling any drugs or illegal substances.  Anything I say is for educational purposes…DON’T do drugs…and to the kids…stay in school!

Anyway, now that that’s settled, I had a pretty good day today.  My mind state is currently on “the glass is half full” mode.  Optimism is the only way to do time right without stressin’…as I’ve mentioned before.  I just keep telling myself that every day is but one day closer…

I worked out in the early AM and again later in the afternoon…doing mostly cardio and calisthenics.  I used to never workout on Sundays back in Middleton…trying something new!  I have temporarily stopped my AM yoga.  I’ll start again when I get to the camp.

I watched the Women’s World Cup Championship game.  I’m pretty bummed that USA lost, but hey, Japan definitely needed a morale boost after the year they’ve had over there, so it wasn’t too bad (see…”half full”).

I finished reading my latest book, Bridget Jones’s Diary.  I really enjoyed it.  It was rather funny to get inside the mind of a single woman in a comic manner.  Now if only every woman I date would just let me inside their mind, we’d be in business…lol.

I wrote a few letters to a few friends.  With my luck, I’ll get shipped outta here on Friday and I won’t get any of their responses…lol.  By the way, every Friday, there’s a bus from RI to MDC Brooklyn NY…which is my next stop…so I can move once again at a moment’s notice.  I don’t get to choose when I go, they just randomly wake you up at 4AM and say “pack it up”.  Maybe this Friday…who knows?

Oh yeah, I got a visit from my parents today.  That was a pleasant surprise since they didn’t tell me they were coming.  They even remarked that I seemed happier.  I guess I am…well…considering I’m locked up.  It’s crazy how one’s surroundings can totally change your outlook on things.  So…needless to say…I feel pretty good.  I’ve certainly come a long way, that’s for sure.

My friend Stephanie recently asked me via letter to go more in depth with these blog entries.  She asked me to really dig into my addictions.  I wrote her back today, and to that I responded, “which one?”…lol.  So, I sat for a while, trying to analyze my addictive behavior and why I felt that I needed those pills…among my many other vices…to function socially.  That’s what got me to thinking…how addiction took over my life.

I can’t really pinpoint the exact day I realized that I was addicted to the “blueberries”.  It kind of just happened.  At first, I absolutely loved the way they made me feel, and when something can alter my mood or enhance how I feel, I go balls to the wall.  I don’t stop.  I’ve never been able to have just ONE drink, sniff just ONE line, or bet on just ONE game.  I always go for broke.  I don’t want the feeling to end…that rush.  See, I was NO angel before I got hooked on the 30’s.  I’ve done my share of partying.  Shit…I’ve probably done your share too…but I always had limitations.  I never really let drugs or alcohol dictate my life…well…not too much.  If I was in school or working, I wouldn’t touch shit during the week.  I’d only party on the weekends or on vacations.  That’s pretty normal, I guess.  I mean, don’t most young people work all week just to get wasted and loose on the weekends?  Well I did…for a long time.  I’ve done it all…well…all your party drugs anyways.  You got your E, GHB, K, cocaine…you get the idea.  By the way, I am in NO way bragging about my drug use.  In fact, as I look back on it, I’m quite disgusted with myself.  I was an absolute mess.  I was an addict LONG before the pills…I just didn’t realize it…or I just didn’t care either way.  Maybe I was in some sort of denial.  Like, I didn’t fit the stereotypical drug addict description.  I had a full-time job, I was in great shape, had no criminal record, I had a great social life, and I had a really close relationship with my family.  I was what they call a “functioning addict”.  I used to always say, “I hate cocaine…I just love how it smells.”  See, I still don’t know specifically why I thought I needed drugs.  I mean, it wasn’t to “fit in” or anything.  It’s not like I was socially awkward.  I just loved how they made me feel…I guess.  In fact, I’ve been told in the past that I was a fucking weirdo when I did coke…really anti-social.  Wait…isn’t that the opposite of why I did it in the first place?  Then why did I do it so much?  Addiction.  That’s why.  I guess I have been addicted to more than merely drugs over the years.  Money, fame, women, steroids, gambling…all the things that alter my mind and enhance my mood in one way or another.  But…it was those pills…those magical blue pills (no…not Viagra…lol…although these are quite magical)…those 30’s…that actually got me more than mentally addicted.  I became physically dependent on them.  It became more than just a poor choice, it became a necessity.

I remember waking up one morning in my Boston apartment.  The girl I was with woke me up, semi-grossed out, because apparently I was soaked in a small pool of cold sweat.  I laughed it off to the steroids I was on at the time, or that I might be coming down with the flu.  Blueberries never even crossed my mind.  At that time, I was only taking a few pills a day…for recreational purposes.  Yeah, I said “only”.  That day, for some reason, I didn’t take them as I normally would’ve.  So then, all of a sudden, after being awake for an hour, I started to burn up.  I was sweating profusely, as if I were in a sauna.  It lasted about 15 hot minutes, so I hopped in the shower and then…boom!  I was freezing my balls off…even under hot water.  I had the worst chills I’ve ever had in my life.  That lasted about 15 minutes.  Then…you guessed it…back to sauna mode…sweating bullets.  OK, that lasted ALL day like that, going back and forth from hot to cold intervals.  Talk about mild insanity…so I figured I was sick.  I must have come down with something.  Then, out of nowhere, I felt completely weak.  I was too weak to even walk.  It was as if all my strength had been drained out of my body.  So, I tried to eat something…soup…I think.  Bad idea.  Well…good idea…but it wasn’t happening.  I was nauseous.  I couldn’t eat or drink.  I was so sick to my stomach that I began dry heaving uncontrollably.  I was sprawled out on my bathroom floor, hugging the toilet bowl.  Marvelous, I had the flu.  I hate the flu, it sucks, but this seemed worse, maybe it was H1N1.  Shit.  Didn’t I get my flu shot?  So, I figured I’d try to crawl to my room to lay down.  Now mind you, I still have the “hot/cold” thing going on and I’m sick to my stomach, so lying down wasn’t exactly easy.  It was really uncomfortable, I was blasting my A/C when hot, then cranking the heat and hiding under the covers when the chills came on.  I couldn’t sleep.  My legs ached as if I had just ran a marathon, and they wouldn’t stop moving, like they had a mind of their own.  It’s called Restless Leg Syndrome…or so I’m told.  In fact, ALL of my muscles ached…badly.  I felt like I just took a beatin’  from Randy Couture.  I tried to sleep…I couldn’t.  Now all this is occurring over the course of the day, so the symptoms I’m describing are just getting worse and worse.  This was it.  I was dying.  A slow painful death…all alone (the girl I was seeing at the time was now at work).  I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.

Then I had a bright idea.  I decided to take a few 30’s.  I figured I was in real pain and I had pain pills…made sense.  Since I was getting rid of them in an abundance, I always had a squirrel stash of them around my apartment (for recreational use obviously).  I took two…actually had to force ’em down.  It wasn’t easy since I was on the verge of death.  It wasn’t instant gratification, but about 15-20 minutes later, I felt considerably better.  Wow, these pills are the best.  I sniffed another.  No way was I gonna try and force another down my throat…with the dry heaves and all.  I felt…wonderful…all symptoms gone.  I felt as if I could actually run a marathon.  I was a genius.  I cured the flu!  Wait…shit…then it all hit me.  I was sick because I didn’t take the percs that morning, not because I had the flu.  I’m such an idiot.  How did this happen?  When?  Nah…can’t be.  I’m no drug addict.  Purely coincidence.  Denial…it’s a funny thing…huh?  But I knew what was up…I just didn’t know what was to come.  I didn’t only want the pills now…I needed them.  I loved them…

(To be continued…)

Posted 07/27/2011 by Matty McDonald in Uncategorized

Tagged with , ,

I THOUGHT I WAS THE MAN…

Memorial Day just came to an end.  While most people I know were partying, on vacation or at family barbecues, I spent my holiday weekend in jail…still waiting to be transferred to my next stop.  This is my second Memorial Day spent here…and quite frankly…it doesn’t get any easier.  To be perfectly honest…it pretty much sucks.  The central A/C is broken on my cell block, and considering the heat and humidity we’ve been having, it’s about 100 degrees in here.  Imagine, there’s 120 guys on this cell block…it’s not pleasant.  It’s not like we can go take a dip in the prison pool to cool off…lol.

My boy Sean came to see me over the holiday weekend.  It was a pleasant visit.  We had some laughs and a pretty good conversation.  We spoke of life, future plans and Memorial Days of the past.  I’m not gonna lie…thinking of the past Memorial Day weekends got me kinda down.  Other than this year and last year spent in jail, I’d usually be away on vacation.

That’s what has me thinking back…to where all this shit started.  If memory serves me correctly (considering I have done a lot of drugs over the past few years) I believe it was a Memorial Day weekend that I got my first taste of what it was like becoming an overnight D-list celebrity.  Basically, it led to a series of poor choices that ultimately landed me in Federal Prison.

Without going into too much detail, I was out in Vegas with a few of my friends from Boston, right after BB9 ended.  I had been to Vegas a few times prior to that, always having a fun time, but that time in particular was different.  It was the first time I was there as a reality TV personality.  It was crazy.  I mean, here I was, prior to all of this TV nonsense, a regular guy, working construction, going to college, then suddenly…overnight…I was recognized everywhere I went, signing autographs, taking pictures with fans, being paid to show up at places, women throwing themselves at me…it was pretty surreal.  Along with all of this new found fame, came all of the perks:  comped hotel rooms, free booze, parties and clubs….and being exposed to lots and lots of drugs.  A lot of doors opened up for me, and on that particular Memorial Day weekend, a lot of ropes opened up in Vegas.  It was the fast life…the life of a celebrity…the life I always wanted…or so I thought.

Nobody could have prepared me for any of that madness.  I was 24-years old…tossed in the deep end…way over my head…with no floaties…and sadly…I couldn’t swim.  But that didn’t stop me…I wanted it all…I wanted more.  In a world filled with so many people, I wanted to matter.  I got a taste of that life in Vegas…and that hunger came back to Boston with me.

I started going out all the time…partying like a maniac…like 6 or 7 days a week…doing all sorts of drugs.  I thought, “Hey, I’m a celebrity…I’m entitled…right?”  I was really soaking up my 15 minutes.  It had me up on a high in itself.  That fame was like a drug that I almost overdosed on.  When the show ends, you’re on this high…on top of the world…at least I was anyway.  I will admit it all went to my head.  I didn’t want to hear shit from anyone.  My head was so big…I probably could’ve floated away.  I thought I was the man…boy was I wrong.

Like all highs, eventually you come down.  I was becoming yesterday’s news…and I hated it.  To most, it probably wouldn’t be so bad. Like, “Hey…back to regular life…that was fun!”  But for me, it was awful.  It might sound crazy to you, but I yearned for that feeling again.  I couldn’t accept that the ride was coming to an end…or at least a pause….until I could make a move out west.  That’s when I got introduced to this little blue pill, a percocet 30mg, an oxycodone, a blueberry, whatever name familiarizes you with what I’m talking about, by my former friend in Florida…and my life would never be the same.

One pill…that’s all it took…and I was right back up there…I was the man again.  I started taking a pill on a Saturday night with a few cocktails, then on a Friday & Saturday, then on Thursday, Friday & Saturday, then on a Monday…to watch the game…then on a Wednesday…just because it was Wednesday.  Eventually, I started taking them every day…not realizing I was addicted.  Besides, I was back on Big Brother 10…as a guest this time around…so I was in the spotlight again…and these pills only enhanced it.  I was still trying to keep up with this pseudo-Hollywood lifestyle.  I was taking and sniffing a few pills per day.  I thought, “I’m in control.  Me…an addict?  Nah…I’m Matty from BB9.”

I racked up around $80,000 in debt.  My back was against the wall.  I had to keep up this facade.  I had to keep up appearances, this lifestyle, this image, and with my new found drug addiction…so I started selling these pills in bulk.  I took more trips, bought another car, another watch, sniffed more pills.  I was in control…wasn’t I?  I womanized, I lied, I was living a double life…and my habit only got worse.  I kept telling myself I was in control.  I sold more, lied more, sniffed and took more pills.  I won’t go into much detail of the drug dealing because in NO WAY am I trying to glamorize it.  However, I do have to mention it a little, to show how I kept getting deeper and deeper over my head.  I’m embarrassed and ashamed to even admit that at one point of my life, that was my profession–drug dealer.

My habit continued to get worse, as did my spending.  While I was selling drugs and making money, I became more of an asshole.  My own friends didn’t like the person I had become.  Addiction took over my life.  I was taking roughly 15 pills per day…and that was merely to feel normal…to not be sick.  No one knew how bad my addiction was.  I hid it well.  I went tanning, I abused steroids, I had money.  I didn’t think I was a drug addict.  I was in total denial.  People would ask me what I was doing with my life.  I didn’t care.  All I cared about was that I drove a Lexus and had a nice apartment.  I thought I was fine.  I needed help.  My life was spiraling out of control.  I was a mess.

I went back to working construction.  I needed some structure in my life…a paycheck.  I was fooling no one.

Thinking back, those pills that once made me a social butterfly turned me into a social recluse.  I worked all week, then flew down to Florida on the weekends to pick up more pills…just to allow me to function at work all week.  I was stuck in a pretty vicious cycle.  I used to ask myself, “When is this gonna end?”

I was lying to my family…lying to my friends.  I needed help.  I was probably a few weeks away from death…who knows?  I was no longer the man…not sure I ever really was.  It was time to take the first step…admitting I had a problem.

I reached out to the same family and friends I had been lying to.  I can still remember that one particular day, when I was getting out of the shower in mid-August 2009.  I looked in the mirror, and for the first time in my life, I hated the person staring back at me.  Who had I become?  What happened to my ambition…my drive?  My life had turned to drugs.  I wanted the Hollywood life…and all I got was the drug addiction.  I got the help I needed.  It wasn’t easy…but I did it.  I cleaned up my act and cut ties with all the negative influences in my life.  I was on my way.  That was in August 2009.  I got indicted in April 2010.  The past always catches up with you.

I have never felt better.  I have to admit this has probably been the most eye opening, humbling experience of my life.  I never truly realized how great my life was until I lost it all.  I may have been on the right path long before I got indicted, but in a way, I feel as though I needed to go through this in order to learn a life-long lesson…to fully understand the consequences of my actions.  It’s pretty ironic…a few years ago I was on the TV screen, being watched by the very same inmates, who I now sit next to while watching Big Brother.  Talk about a mind fuck, but just goes to show you it can happen to anyone.

I’ll write again soon to give you all a more detailed explanation of a typical day here.  For now, I’ll leave you with a piece of my story.  I’m not making excuses for my actions, nor am I saying that my drug addiction was caused from being on a reality show.  I made bad choices.  I chose to go down the wrong path.  I am not telling my story in the hopes of getting back in the limelight.  This is my way of giving back…and hoping that I may be able to reach out and help someone.  I am merely trying to give you an insight into how I went from Big Brother to the Big House.

MY FIRST BLOG FROM FEDERAL PRISON

My name is Matthew McDonald, Federal Inmate #92254-038.  You may or may not remember me, most notably as Matty from Big Brother.  Yes, I am one of the idiots from the show who got caught up in a large-scale drug conspiracy.  If that doesn’t refresh your memory, let me tell you a little bit about myself.  I was on Season 9 of Big Brother and appeared as a guest on Season 10.  I’ve also been on Fear Factor and had a few other guest spots, but that was a few years ago and not really relevant to this.

I was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury on April 27, 2010 and arrested by the DEA that very same day for conspiracy to possess with the intent to distribute a whole boat load of oxycodone pills.  That day wasn’t fun…let me tell you…but I’ll talk more about that down the line.  I had no absolutely no criminal record prior to that, but was denied bail/bond by the Feds due to the fact I was accused of a domestic assault a few days prior to my indictment and because I was supposedly a flight risk?  I really can’t talk about the domestic charges because the case is still pending, but I want to firmly maintain my innocence.  Listen, I may have been a drug dealer at one point in my life, but I DO NOT hit women.  I love women.  I may have been an asshole when it came to matters of the heart, but I don’t hit–it’s just not who I am.

Anyway, as far as the drug charges are concerned, I pled guilty in January of 2011, and I was recently sentenced by Chief US Judge Mark Wolf in Federal Court on May 11, 2011.  He imposed a sentence of 36 months in Federal prison, to be followed by 5 years of supervised release, with mandatory drug testing and a hefty $50,000 fine.  The judge was quoted saying, “Mr. Mcdonald, you’ll probably end up back on TV after this is all said and done, so you’ll be able to pay this fine off in one lump sum.”  Umm…does anyone have 50K I can borrow?  lol

I could have taken my case to trial, and made the government prove its case against me, but I didn’t.  Even though there was NO physical evidence against me–all they had was a couple of cooperating witnesses (aka rats), some bank records and transactions, and my travel records–during the period of which I was accused.  I knew I had to look inside myself, “man up”, and admit what I did.  It was time to start taking responsibility for my actions and stop blaming others for my wrongdoings.  It was the only way to truly move past this, so I pled guilty.  However, it still hurts like hell to know who cooperated against me.  For someone to throw away a lifelong friendship in return for a couple of years shaved off of a prison sentence…I don’t know…that’s not something I would do.  I’m not mad…just hurt.  It is what it is.

Here I am today, blogging my journey through Federal Prison.  While most people who are or were in the limelight usually shy away and hide when they get in trouble or sent to prison, I am doing the exact opposite.   I want to use this as a chance to share my experience with the world.  I realize I have made MANY mistakes and have lacked good judgment, to say the least.  I am using my time now as my opportunity to maybe reach out if only to one person.  To use my errors as an example of what not to do…or to anyone who is currently addicted…look at my story.  I overcame addiction.  Yes, I still landed in prison, but that’s not the point.  America is inundated with people addicted to these pills.  I myself was once addicted…and in a bad way.  It is an epidemic…but it can be beaten.

The judge said something to me at my sentencing that really had an impact on me.  He said, “Mr. McDonald, you stood here before me today and told me how you got swept up in the fast life and how these pills ruined your life.  Mr. McDonald, you sold thousands and thousands of pills.  You had a lucrative business, which you did quit in August of 2009, but you could have stopped a year prior.  Let me ask you, how many people’s lives do you think you ruined in that time period?”  He was so right.  I had never looked at it like that before.

Let me get something straight before I go on.  I sold pills in bulk from roughly May 2008 to about August 2009.  I am not denying that.  However, I did quit selling and using drugs on my own.  I did this long before any of my other co-conspirators got in any trouble.  I realized I wasn’t living right and straightened out my life.  They kept on going until they got caught.  This is partly the reason why the judge sentenced me to 36 months, instead of the 70 months the DA was asking for.

As far as what the judge said to me, those are words that really opened my eyes.  I mean, I’ve always looked at it as being all about me.  I sold drugs, I got addicted, I cleaned up, I got in trouble.  I got so addicted to the whole “fast life” after the show:  money, cars, trips, women, drugs, and my then new found fame…faster than I got addicted to those pills.  I never took into account where all these pills were going and whose lives I was ruining while I was making money.  It sickens me to even think about it.  For that, I truly apologize.  Unfortunately, I can’t change the past.  I am paying for it now…but I can change my future.  So here I am.  Just as others helped me through my recovery, I hope to pay it forward.  As time goes on, I will be here via third party to blog about my experience through the Federal Prison System…until my release.  I don’t have internet access, only e-mail, hence the third party.  Also, for anyone who wants to write me, my address will be changing frequently, as I move from prison to prison, around the US.   I will update my address as I move.  For now, here is my current mailing address:

Essex County Correctional Facility

P.O. Box 807

Matthew McDonald – MSA #0686127

Unit 240C – Cell 702

Middleton, MA 01949-2807

Posted 05/28/2011 by Matty McDonald in Uncategorized

Tagged with , ,

%d bloggers like this: