Archive for April 2012


Today is my 28th birthday.  I know…I know…Happy Birthday to me.  Yay!  Yippie!  Whooptie fucking doo da.  Another year older…  Go ahead…  Grab the cake.  Round up the balloons.  Pack up the presents and head on down to Fort Dix… Big party going down tonight on my unit.  It’s going to be fucking epic… Out of control.  DJ Profenna is spinning his greatest hits and all the nightlife regulars are coming through–pffff stories…

There’s no party this evening.  In prison, birthdays are just another day.  At best, a few of the fellas and I will make a few pizzas, play cards, or something along those lines.  That’s all I can really ask for in here…  few friends, decent food (for prison anyways), and a few laughs…

I wouldn’t really want a big party even if I could have one.  Truth is, I’m not really feeling the whole birthday thing this year.  Not because I’m still in prison…although that doesn’t help.  That still very much sucks.  I guess it’s just starting to hit me that I’m getting older.  Inevitable I know…but still…I’m pushing 30 like…once I hit that age…then what!?

You know…  I’m sitting here looking back over the years and it’s like–fuck–didn’t I just turn 21…?  25…?  Damn, am I really 28 years old today?  Time flies…  and to add insult to injury I’m spending my birthday in federal prison….awful.

However, in a few month’s time I’ll be out of this shit hole and headed for warm climate.  This prison shit will all be but a distant memory.  A mere speed bump in the road of my life.   So my only consolation prize in all of this is knowing that this particular birthday will be my very last one that I’ll have to spend behind bars.  Next year…  well next year I’ll be 29, so I’ll probably be on suicide watch haha!

This isn’t exactly how I would have pictured my life by the time I hit 28…  not even close actually.  This prison shit really threw a wrench into my plans.  But what can ya do…that’s life…  so since I’ll have a little under two years before I hit 30…  I have compiled a list of things I want to do, see and accomplish by the time I hit 30….  a to-do list if you will….  in no particular order and I’ll keep it PG-13 since there are children who read this….

  1. Run and complete the Boston Marathon…or any marathon for that matter…  For years, Marathon Monday was one of my favorite days in Boston.  The fellas and I would usually take in the Sox game in the morning.  It would usually be followed by a marathon of drinking and debauchery for the remainder of the day.  I figure since I’m on this health and fitness kick, maybe I’ll actually run the marathon that I used to use as an excuse to run wild…
  2. Skydive…  no particular reason other than it looks like a fucking rush.
  3. Write a memoir and get it published….  picture Tucker Max’s “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” meets “Blow” meets “The Notebook”…  it’s on the way.
  4. Visit Europe…
  5. Start my own business….legal this time of course.
  6. Get married in Las Vegas to a random woman….
  7. Get marriage annulled the next day…
  8. 3 month long road trip around the United States…  only going to places that I’ve never been.  Chicago, Texas, Kansas, Denver,  the Carolinas, Washington, DC…  to name a few.
  9. More tattoos.
  10. Do some sort of charitable works…  possibly speak at schools to the children about how bad drugs can and will fuck your life up…  perhaps volunteer once a month somewhere….  this is a must.
  11. Spend more time with family and friends….  time away in prison has made me realize how much I’ve missed out on…  even when I was free.
  12. Become a better man.
  13. P90X…  I’m in great shape, but I watch these infomercials every single day.  Tony Horton is calling my name, saying “Let’s see what ya got”….  I want to see what I can get in 90 days or if it’s a scam….
  14. Take salsa lessons….  I’ll be living somewhere where it’s a predominately Latin crowd.  I took a lesson once.  I liked it….  don’t hate..
  15. Take golf lessons then play more golf… The area I’m moving to has some of the best courses around so I’ll need to brush up on my game–or lack thereof.  I’ve played a few times.  However, I will admit I suck pretty bad.
  16. Learn to speak Spanish fluently… I took Spanish in high school and college…yet I couldn’t get beyond hi and goodbye.  I’ve learned quite a few phrases while incarcerated to carry on a short simple conversation.  However, when it gets beyond that I’m lost in the sauce.  If I learn to speak in its entirety then I’ll know what people are actually saying about me and I won’t have this blank stare when they’re asking me whats on the dinner menu for the evening?

I’m sure there’s plenty more things I want to do, see and accomplish by the time I hit 30… but these are the only ones I can think of at the moment that aren’t rude, sexual, or past PG-13 rating…so with that being said… Happy Birthday to me! PPFFFFFF (sound that shit out–that’s how I feel about birthdays)… Fellas, have one for me tonight!  Also, it’s my friend Kelly’s birthday tomorrow…so…HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLY!

Oh yeah, before I forget… Happy Easter to all of my friends and family!  Cheers ~ Matty

Posted 04/07/2012 by Matty McDonald in Uncategorized

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