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I’ve sat down and tried to write this very letter to you so many different times now, without succeeding, that I’ve honestly lost count.  I guess I really didn’t know where to begin…or better yet…what to even say.  I mean it’s been so long since…what…twenty some odd months that I’ve been away.  Although it may feel like the time has flown by thus far, as I sit and look back, I realize that I have missed out on so much.  It kills me inside to even think about…especially now…since the holidays are upon us and once again I’m going to be absent…I guess I’ve been feeling a certain way.  Instead of keeping all of this shit bottled up as per usual, I figured now is as good a time as any to say what’s been on my mind…

I miss you…plain and simple.  I have missed you since the very day that the Feds slapped the cuffs on me and took me away from the world.  I don’t even think it’s possible for you to fathom the pain I feel inside every second I’m gone.  You know, I always joke around with a few of my roommates in saying that every day I spend in here, I feel as if a little piece of my soul is chipped away.  Chip…chip…chip…by the time I get out, there’s not going to be much left of me.  I usually laugh it off with them and carry on this facade…like it doesn’t phase me…like this place ain’t shit…when in all reality that’s exactly what this place is…fucking shit…

Truth be told, sometimes it really does feel as if a small piece of me literally dies every single day I spend locked up…away from friends, away from family, away from the world…away from you.  They say that time heals all wounds, but this shit is far too deep.  I figured as time passed, this would get easier, I’d grow more numb, the holidays would mean less…I could brush it off, like I’ve always done so easily with everything else.  I was wrong.  Time has healed nothing.  If anything, it has merely added to the stress of being away from life.  It has made me miss you even more.  Another holiday, another year…I feel even more disconnected with the world, more left out, more forgotten…with each day that passes, I am that much further from your thoughts, further from you.  Out of sight…out of mind right?   Shit, this is tough, but then again I’m tough.  I’ll be home soon…not soon enough.

I think the worst thing for me in all of this is not doing the time or prison itself…that’s a piece of cake…it’s the feeling of being left out…feeling like the world has forgotten about me.  That’s what really fucks me up on the inside.  I had never experienced such a thing when I was a free man.  I was always in the loop with everything and everyone.  I certainly never had to worry about being forgotten in any way.  I never had to question my self worth or if I mattered.  Boy, how times have changed…fucking reality check that’s for sure.  Being in prison is what I imagine death to be like…minus the dying part.   The whole thing where loved ones cry for three days…then keep moving on with their own lives.  Life goes on…with or without Matthew Michael McDonald.  It’s scary to think about death, but shit, if it’s like this I’m well prepared in that aspect.  That’s how I feel each day…like I’m stuck in limbo…helpless to anyone in the real world.  I merely wait…for my release…for an email…for a fucking letter…any sign that you acknowledge that I’m not dead…I’m very much alive.  It’s all waiting in here.  I get to wait while I witness everyone, including you, move forward with their lives…happily I might add…without yours truly.  No man knows my pain unless they’ve walked in my shoes.

Prison has definitely been a fucking wake up call for me…that’s for sure.  I was once out there, where you are right now, world by the balls…not a care in the world.  Now I’m on the inside…sweating little things like emails or letters, waiting, while wondering at all, during each day you if ever think of me as I do you.  It’s pretty fucked up when I think about it, to wonder if I ever cross your mind.  Time and distance do some tricky shit huh?  I’m not used to not having control, not having the upper hand in life. I guess if I never put myself in this situation, I would have gone on living a lie.  I’d still think that certain people who were once in my life were genuine, not riding along for ulterior motives, merely friends in disguise.  I’ve come to learn that with friends…it’s quality, not quantity that really matters.  I’m actually pretty lucky in that aspect.  I can honestly say that there’s a few friends in my life that I know are real…who will always be there for me, whether it’s sunny skies or rain…and I am grateful for that.  The rest well…like I said…out of sight, out of mind.  I’ll be out of here in a few months.  I’m still anxious to see who tries to weasel their way back into my life when they see me doing better than before.  When the time I spent away will start to get fuzzy…they won’t remember any of that…and I wont remember them.  Maybe time has made me jaded.

I certainly hope that you don’t think I’m complaining in any way to you…I’m not.  I am well past my days of complaining.  I’ve learned to adapt, to survive on less, to make the most out of what I DO have, rather than sweat what I don’t or no longer have.  I’ve learned to accept my situation and embrace it as if it’s some sort of right of passage for me…like I’m off to war or something…there’s a war on my block everyday.  As fucked up as it may sound, I feel like I needed this wake up call…a little break from reality…a chance to work on myself while I serve my debt to society.  Where as I would have never imagined in a million years that I would have ended up here…I do feel it is for a purpose.  What that purpose is remains to be seen.  All I know is that I just have to continue using this time wisely…strengthening my mind and body…while reflecting on how I used to live so history doesn’t repeat itself…to hopefully come out of here a better man with a little more life experience that you can’t get elsewhere…in hopes of making you proud.

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but I think the absolute world of you…I always have.  I don’t think you realize just how much you have influenced my life…you are an inspiration, my muse, my drive for future success.  You make me want to become a better man all around.  When I travel down the bumpy road of memory lane, I cant help but smile from ear to ear when I think of you.  My memories are the only place where I can go to help fill the void caused from the loneliness and emptiness I have been feeling.  Sometimes I sit and wonder what could have been…what I could have done differently…if I had only done this…or if I didn’t do that…to be honest, thinking like that drives me crazy sometimes.  I guess all I can do now is move forward.  The rear view mirror of my life can only be used as a reference now.  The only thing that provides some type of comfort to me while I’m stuck in here is knowing that you are safe out there.  You are living your life…and most of all…you’re happy.  When all is said and done, that’s all I wish for you, or anyone I love for that matter.  If you’re happy…then I’m smiling…and shit, I know how much you love my smile.

They say that every man has a destiny in life…a path he must travel down to become the man he is supposed to be.  Sure enough, in a few months I will start out on my life’s journey.  I have to go my own way, somewhere warm, in search of my life’s purpose.  It’s time for me to start fresh, a new life…the life I should have led the first time around.  To be honest, I get excited and nervous at the same time when I think about it.  Release doesn’t even seem real to me right now, even though it’s coming fast.  I know that you and everyone else expects so much of me when I’m released.  Luckily, I thrive under pressure.  It may take some time and work, but I will make something of myself…that I can promise.  Sadly, you and I will be far from each other yet again, while I pursue success…out of sight, but I hope I’m not out of your mind.  I want you to know that no matter the distance between us, or wherever this crazy ride of life takes me, you will always have a part of me.  Everything that I do, will be done for you.  A little piece of my soul that this place hasn’t chipped away belongs to you.  I will never forget you and what you mean to me.  I owe you at least that much.

Regrets…I have a few.  I wish I had told you all of this shit when I was a free man.  Maybe things would have turned out different, then again, probably not.  I guess I was too wrapped up in myself back then.  I have a tough time letting people in.  Call it foolish pride, or perhaps it was my ego that was in the way.  I’ve had this shit bottled up for so long now.  I think underneath it all, maybe I feared your possible response to all of this…good or bad.  Because once I let you in, I’d lose control.  I’d no longer hold the cards…which is what I have always been used to.  Funny how life turns out sometimes…it took me going to prison to finally wake the fuck up and get over myself.  If I have one regret, it’s not telling you sooner how much you mean to me…before it was too late.  I guess that’s life right?  In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets.

Until then…I’m here…just a man and his thoughts trying to get through the holidays.  I need you not to worry about yours truly, for I am doing just fine.  I know deep down that this time spent away was probably the best thing that could have happened to me in the long run.  Look where I may have ended up….married–pfff stories, dead…or god only knows.  Besides…overall, this li’l bid is a mere raindrop in the ocean of my life.  There’s many good things and good times to come my way, of which I’m certain.  But at the end of the day, none of that really matters, not without you.  When all of the smoke clears and the dust settles, I just wanted you to know how I feel…that no matter what happens, where I go, where you go, however things may turn out…I love you.

Happy Holidays,

Matthew